true, truth, lies

Truth

2007-07-31T14:06:00.000-04:00

and why politicians use lies to hide it and artists use lies to expose it.

My gripe is not with lovers of the truth but with truth herself. What succor, what consolation is there in truth, compared to a story? what goos is truth, At midnight, in the dark, when the wind is roaring like a bear in the chimney? what you need are the plump comforts of a story the soothing, rocking safty of a lie - Vida Winter

I know nothing of this person and i need not know anything of this person to know that a lie has powers that truth knows nothing about the truth is fact.. what really happened.. but with lies you need never know what really happened as long as some detail of truth be present the lie is powerful... truth and lies feed off each other support and deny each other. so what does this mean to me.. we'll i'll tell you .. because well your reading this.. it means that my entire life i have searched for truth.. but all i was really looking for was a lie a way to tell a story.. that is laced with truth.. seething with detail. and first and foremost a complete fabrication or the mind
i have wanted truth but found i was merely seeking lies

man i can't wait to go on vacation

2007-07-25T14:48:00.000-04:00

yea i have worked all summer much like every other college student in the world and i have found myself so burnt out from this life i lead that a vaction is very much needed. i need to gtfo of this town like now.. heavily sedating myself just isn't working anymore and i find myself hating this place more and more by the day.. the people are cool but the place sucks.. work sucks.. doesn't matter what you really do though.. always the lowest paid person on the books.. or off them..just another fucking loser in a fucked town in central Ct that just wants to be free in a town in southern new hampshire once again.. honestly i have no idea what i will do once school is over.. the thought of which is just depressing.. honestly... i see no point in asking the same questions over and over again .. making the same mistakes and just wanting to get something new ... the search for truth ended once i realized there was none... a quest for the american dream was only a falsity that was ingrained within us in our youth.. if they told you how the world really was you would have killed yourself as a child... so much bad.. where is the good where did it all go... i need a vacation....

i miss my home..
i miss my friends...
i miss my wife....
and most of all i miss the other half of my soul.. cause i haven't felt complete since the 5th

Real Bored

2007-07-09T13:20:00.000-04:00

so yea i'm at work just chillin with Z listenin to some KMK thinking i wish i could be on the dirty with the windows down and lol's up. this is the summer and we have managed to do a few things which were pretty cool. Nh .. new Boston chilled straight chiefed with morton and Jrome.. went to Keene to eat a sandwich and give a hug then drove back to miss fireworks and get wasted.. lol c block all night.. sorry Jrome but morton sas was pretty funny.. stopped in boston on the way down hit up the quincy market scene got some of the worlf famous pizza and watched "black guys dancing" now were just loading impys and ions and rolling like kings cause we're the only two with jobs. so what do i have to look forward to Incubus-aug 5th ish.. word Nh one more time
Maine which will be straight some open sea kayaking with my uncle seeing my cousin for the first time..just gotta hit up NYC and Keene and things will be complete. for now at least.. then i go home and things would be straight
so yea thats me mad bored with Z discussing our summer and what we do everyday.. any questions comments.. well you know the deal

Why i smoke mad weed

2007-07-02T12:45:00.000-04:00

blog post forever

2007-04-30T17:16:00.000-04:00

i used my lack of blogging ability to kinda study and i like it.. they are pretty short blurbs but i like to get to the point or lack there of.. i used this mostly as a review of notes but here it is
Week of
March 23rd
This week we discussed rogers and humanism which is an interesting concept because of the ideas of self actualization and things of that nature. To become somewhat enlightened and make of the world what you want is a really cool concept Then there was Maslow who "created" humanistic approach. Moving toward self actualization because we want to grow as individuals. i wonder how many people find themselves to be self actualized.?

March 30th
existentialism and rollo may. combining psych with philosophy, thats one killer team. the constant questions of this theory are interesting the why are we here, what is the meaning of this and why we do the things we do. That all interesting because it seems like as much as people think they have a grasp on what the human mind is capapble of it seems that the mind changes to throw us for a loop.

April 6th
Construct theory because everything we do fits into a constuct of our thoughts that somehow shape how we will react in certain situations but this seems like it is ment to be set like if this situation occured again and again the result would be the same.. i'm not a fan of this because honestly i don't even know what i'm gunna do half the time and if it was as simple as this seems i think i would have been able to figure myself out.. ya know?
construtive alternativism?.. sp?.. prolly not we control our own destiny that is a theory i can get behing because i would like to believe that i can control my own life but at the same time too many coincidences occur in life for them to be coincedences.. ya know?

April 13th
yea i really can't remember what we did for this class.. possibly i was sick... i dunno that seemed to be my whole semester sick all the time.. yea i don't like it at all

April 20th
4 20 word to that class well once again i'm not gunna say i remember it but i feel like ray cattel may have been this class if not it was the next week which is fine because i wanna talk about buddhism in the next part cause i loved that class but back to ray.. yea it sucks what happened to him but i can't say i blame them or him.. i don't think you should be descriminated against in any way shape or form.. if you believe something and truely believe it who is to tell you your wrong.. even if the action or belief is morally wrong from a christian point of view it doesn't make that view any less important. believe what you want. maybe someday we'll find out who was right.

April 27th
Zen Buddhism- i love this "there is no spoon" type stuff. i like to think that the world is really an illusion of the mind and that you should just let go of worldly possessions and relationships..it's all so interesting i just love it.. i like to consider myself a psydo buddhist because i believe in enlightenment i find it so fasinating

another class post

2007-03-20T12:31:00.001-04:00

so yea this is another class post if i could remeber what we talked about that would be awesome but i believe it had something to do with learning theories and conditioning which i think is right cause i don't believe i have blogged about that yet.. i actually really like the learning theories it's interesting to try and understand how the mind works and how we learn to do things.
i think thats really all i got for now.. i'll come up with some more clever stuff later i think

but yea vacation was nice
i was able to see and hang out with people i haven't seen in years, i actually liked being home for once which is weird because i usually hate going home. something about that town just isn't right and i feel like somehow i don't belong there anymore.. i kinda wish i could explain it better but to whom i know not.. you don't really have to understand it i guess.. cause it's my deal

peace

a post to correct the mistakes of the past

2007-03-06T13:21:00.000-05:00

okay so this is what i am going to do right here right now.. go through pretty much everything that has been going on in an attempt to catch up and remain caught up.

so..
week of february 9th
this week was about Horney some Jung and Fromm.. i particularly like horney i like the basic anxiety stuff the hyper competitiveness i think that interesting coming from a somewhat competitive backround. the need for neurotic trends which i think appys very well to people today.. at least the people i know and my personal favorite is Ideal vs Real self.. because personally my ideal self and my real self are not even in the same zip code. i mean personally the things that i want to accomplish and the things that i do not the same at all... and i find it interesting because as much as i want to be this person.. i am not.. i have this vision of who i want to be and who my parents want me to be and who everbody wants me to be.. but all i can be is me who i am at this point and after years upon years of pondering this i have come to accept that i live by a code of my own ethics and i am happy with them. granted i honestly think i was brainwashed as a child and i have been trying very hard to work out of this "shell" that i feel i was put in most of the ethics that i stand by were there before i was brainwashed at least thats what i believe.. sounds crazy?... you'd understand if you were me.

week of february 16th
Yea this week we talked about escaping from freedom and fromms theory on the escape mechanisms from freedom and the feelings of isolation and lonliness. well the escapes are authoritarianism? destructivenss and automaton conformity. all of which are interesting but i wonder where do non destructive non comformists go and if you fall into those catagories why would you ever want to be lead... don't they follow and don't they also not want to lead everyone.. i dunno i think about some strange things sometimes... but yea we had a test the other day so i'm going to leave this one At that..

week of february 23rd
Erik Erikson is in the game this week and this is the crisis of identity cause even didn't know who he was or where he came from and hey thats something that every college student can relate to.. he cam up with stages Intimacy vs isolation is one of my personal favorites but thats just because it's something i can directly relate to ... i got lots of stuff going on and i forgot how much better you feel after venting over blogger i should do this much more often i think..

ohh yea we did kernberg aswell object relations stuff figuring out whats you and whats everything else.. yea fun stuff

week of March 2nd
welcome to B F skinner and the behavior theory. skinner box reinforcement all that fun stuff you learned in intro to psych with a lil more information operant behavior yea this is more of the stuff i like cause it's interesting and it's less of a tax on my brain.

yea thats what i got so far that should catch me up any objections lemme know if not have a nice day

Peace Love.. sorry for the long post
Matt Bosh

yea about that

2007-02-27T14:36:00.001-05:00

alright so i'm supposed to blog about everything over the past couple weeks and i'll do this both class wise and personal.. cause i can.. i just need to do so after class which starts in ohh say 15 minutes so i'mma do that but i have everything for my blog post and i'll prolly post tonight everything a lil after class.. so yea sorry this was about nothing but thinking about thinking to post.

Peace.. love and your beautiful

how bad could it be

2007-02-01T11:30:00.000-05:00

class well class is as it always had been fun, a lil bit silly and alotta interesting carl jung good guy kinda funny looking but good guy from what i can tell i like the whole you die but you conscienceness stays i like that.. what i don't like is myself right now which makes trying to write a blog about how i like my class pretty difficult.. i kinda wish i could just take a week off and then see how i feel... but of course not no and now i feel like i have a lower approval rating than bush right now...so yea i'm gunna go

peace love

stressed

2007-01-30T12:22:00.001-05:00

yea class cool.. so stressed i don't even really have time to do this cause i have about 1000 more things to do in the next three hours and then and only then... i get to go to work for all night.. yea stressed... well not really i prolly should be more so than i am.. i'm just kinda tired

Will this blog ever die... prolly not

2007-01-17T16:36:00.000-05:00

Well this is the third time i have has the pleasure of utilizing this particular blog for classes here at Ksc and everytime i just kinda leave it alone for a couple months cause i dunno i forget about it and then the whole site changes and i have no idea what i'm doing it's all very confusing but since i'm here i might as well get into it again... this one is about class and while this is the second time i'm doing this ... errors of years past asside this time it might actually work and might even save my life well grade... but yea class is alright the first day was just deja vu .. larry is still funny and the rest of the class has no idea whats in store for them which is kinda nice cause i have some clue whats going on. but yea psych round two ... this time it's personal...

love & peace

How much can happen ?

2006-05-12T12:17:00.000-04:00

The semester is over and i am glad, but at the same time things aren't well. At least in Keene they seemed alright things were going well .. i thought things .. that weren't exactly true... i believed things.. once again not true. I fought for things.. i fought in vain. I tried to remain myself through everything that happen.. i feel that i am lost. If i could possibly explain the ways in which my life has gone to hell .. it would prolly be a best seller.. or hated by everyone.
i wish i could explain how i feel about things with no thought of the reprocussions. I could explain how certain things kept me sane while others drove me nuts, i could explain why i cherish the friends i have, why i consider them familyand why i watch over them or at least try. I write this entry as a personal record to myself. hopefully someday i will look back on this and laugh, look back and be greatful that i wrote this . from a time where i no longer fuck up this life i live. from a time where things are safer than they are now, my only fear is that the ideals that i hold dear will no longer apply in the near distant future. that i should look back with nothing and feel as if i was a fool for ever feeling this way. It is a fear i hope to never realize.

Last Night someone close to me said "don't worry about me, i'm not worth it, don't worry"
i couldn't muster the words then.. prolly still can't now, but i'll try
"I worry about you because being around you makes every fucking thing about life worth it"
"it makes me feel that there is someone else as crazy as i am out there, yet has the guts to admit it" "i worry about you because without you or anyone else in this group i would have nothing left to look forward to, nothing left to enjoy whole heartedly" I know time i short and things may change but for right now, i'll worry about you, because it's better than worrying about myself."

ok i spilled my guts, who's next

synopsis/reflection

2006-04-06T16:59:00.000-04:00

The event that i went to was interesting. The speaker showed videos, and discused what we found interesting, offening, different anything. The videos portrayed various people speaking on race, race relations, and the basic things that make us different. As interesting as it was i found it all to be a little bit strange in itself. I went into this meeting believing that this presentation would strengthen the bonds between races. Unfortunately i found it to be quite the contrary. The entire presentaion seem to be about segregation, how the blacks and the white think, Why they think differently, and why there seems to be no way to be totally intergrated as a society with different races. The speaker was well aware of the lines that divide and seemed not to have a problem with them. i even believe at one point he said there was no such thing as racism, at least not that you could prove. He made it quite clear that you could not call someone a racist, because no one would admit to being a racist. What i find absolutely great about the whole presentation is that he himself came off to many people as a racist. Personally all i could do during the entire presentation was make small comparisons from what he was saying to the comedic antics of Dave Chappelle. My favorite comparison is the clip of the Oj Simpson trial to Chappelle's stand up. The speaker made a point to compare the reactions of the african american community to those of the white community. The only thing that i could think of was, "black people celebrated too openly when Oj got aquitted, we shoulda kept that to ourselves. (Dave Chappelle For what it's Worth) Which in the clip the speaker made a comment similar to this. At this point i began to really wonder if the speaker himself was actually a racist on some level. I mean of course a man of his stature could never be called out on such a charge but it seemed to me that because he made such an effort to separte the races analye them and not the difference it doesn't seem that he wanted them to get along. as if they shouldn't for some reason. This all kinda bothered me which is why i am not adding any names. i feel no need to attack his character if i simply misunderstood what he was saying. It was all and all good presentation, it offended me and made me think about the issues. I think that makes a good presentation especially if i don't personally agree with what the speaker is saying.

This is one fine line

2006-03-18T00:44:00.000-05:00

. . .... . . .... . . ....
- - ---- - - ---- - - ----
= = ==== = = ==== = = ====

speak to me tell me something that i can think about
let me take these thoughts and create theories
let me prove these theories and make a point
let the point stab into all who doubted
and let the pain subside and
let all realize what
is actually going
on
i spend most of my life trying to figure out what the hell i'm doing
once again i am at that point.

i've been swept away, but no i am not lost
just swept away
never lost

= = ==== = = ==== = = ==== = = ====
- - ---- - - ---- - - ---- - - ----
. . .... . . .... . . .... . . ....

Normal

2006-03-01T17:31:00.000-05:00

the term normal has always kinda haunted me.. what does it mean to be normal and why do people want to be this way. why would anyone want to be "normal." i mean think about it normal brings to mind the boring usual,mundane lifestyle. Yea i'm not normal and nobody is.. if you think your normal.. your just kinda weird. cause even being normal isn't being normal.. maybe i'm overthinking this but i dunno it seems like those who accept not being normal. are actually special in some way.. this may just be a result of not being normal myself. i mean i know i'm not normal.. never was.. never wanted to be. i prefer being crazy, doing things that others may not view as socially acceptable. i mean what do normal people live for. i love for friends, family, and experiences.. and i don't think that really ever gunna change... yea.. i was just thinking about that .. and how i haven't written anything in a bit.. which is strange for me cause thats what i like to do.. yea thats all i have...

you can go now

yea stop reading it's ok i've said my peice..

yea thats right i'm leaving

bye

well this is pretty the same reason just a different time

2006-02-09T01:49:00.000-05:00

so yea.. i was sitting here and class popped into my head. and i was ponder a few things such as free will.. how free is free will? i mean lets think, i was raised a certain way, molded into the beliefs of my parents. Then set free to roam and mix with the beliefs of other people.. something inside of me tells me that the beliefs of the family are true and right, yet i form my own beliefs based on my surrounds and things that i deem acceptable which is based on the outline given to me from past generations.. what does this mean... i think far too much... thank you and goodnight...

.. man my brain hurts ...

hey it's like 4:30 am and i was thinking why not post about class

2006-01-28T04:24:00.000-05:00

well to be perfectly honest this isn't really about class.. i just saw some people fighting and thought it would be cool to post about.. cause like who fights with people at 4:30 in the morning ... and i was watching these two people going crazy in a drunken rage and seeing one storm off into the night and the other poor individual left to walk inside and wonder why the whole thing transpired ... i dunno... i may have to elaborate on it later.. but yea classes are cool... the professor is cool, funny, definitly a different type of class which is nice... and yea i guess i'm done with this... goodnight...

New Year and a new reason

2006-01-23T12:36:00.000-05:00

hmm.. well i guess i have a reason to keep this blog going. so yea for anyone who still subscribes .. yea it's not gunna be the same as before but i'm sure you'll get over it. All of my inspiration and well my source of quotes are no longer present but we'll see what happens..

Thank you Thank you..

2005-12-06T12:11:00.000-05:00

and i would like to thank the class for this wonderful year.. it has been a tough on with everythings thats been going on.. i'd like to thank my friends for there hilarious quotes and for being good sports... and taking drop kicks.... to jerry and his ankle for hurting themselves in the name of laughter.... to hutch and little hutch... i dunno why anybody would do that and i cringe when i think about it ... but at leat you'll enjoy it .... and this is to my parents who have no idea what the hell this is but yea thanks for the money and i'l be home for christmas.. peace...

ps.. hope you all survive finals

title

2005-11-29T10:34:00.000-05:00

i'm sick...and thanksgiving was alright. i slept for a long time while i was home it was kinda nice minus the fact that it limited times with friends. but ehh i'll get over it .. but yea another day another crappy blog post

Quotes.. always out of context

2005-11-21T04:34:00.000-05:00

i love posting these out of context just because i always like getting the what does this kid do on the weekends look or at least thats what i want you to think... keep those crazy looks if you'd like

youre not even the big bad wolf, youre just an asshole
{c}
(laughing) (histerical laughing) ... my ankle hurts
{j}
i'm the E bat the bat of the internet ah ah ah...
{h}
Chris CHRIS chris(in a whisper now) i know you're asleep but i love you, I LOVVEEE YOUUUU {j}
85% of the time what the alcohol tells me to do is good, This time it was bad BADDDD...
{j}
The alcohol tole me to do it, it said yea man you can jump into that dumpster even though theres not much trash in it
{j}
The trash man it was like do it and i was like yea you think so it was like yea
{j}
i am the floor ninja
{h}
you know what your moms a b****
{c}
Go back to canada{H} { i'm not even canadian} ohh right your irish i knew it was one of the ones i hated{h}

careful he'll get the ira on your ass{H} i'm part of the ira{m} Yea only a quarter{h}

i am the master cookie thief {h}

Mirror mirror

2005-11-14T04:48:00.000-05:00

I've been looking into the mirror recently and wonder who it was that was staring back at me through the glass. Today at 5 am I realized exactly who it was and I wasn't quite sure how to feel about it. Throughout the last year of my life I have had no clue who was there looking at me, who would care so much as to see what I was doing and why does he always look so.. unhappy. Well here I am looking into that mirror and for once he doesn't seem so unhappy. Like something that will happen on this day will change that I feel anticipation as to what it could be.. In recent times i had lost who i was, what i was, i am no longer the person i was a year ago. Although i would like to be the person i wanted to be then and still want to be now. The person who could dream up almost anything as long as there was time to dream. A hero, hopeless romantic, a character in a story, every character i dream up only being an extension of what it was i wished i could be. why can't i be that person what force would stop me. the same force that bites at me even while i think of the words to complete this entry. Fear. "there is nothing to fear but fear itself" well fear itself can paralyse. For right now though i will through fear a right hook and tell him good day for i do not need him right now. What i realized when i looked into the mirror on this morning unlike any other morning is that without everything else that surrounds me on an average day i still like the person underneath. He still has potential, That man looking back at me still has a chance to do something if only he can muster up the courage to change what he is now and see who he is now. Well for this small moment in time i know who i am and for right now thats enough....

well post.post post

2005-11-08T01:10:00.000-05:00

tonight was a good time went on a very long walk with some friends.
the woods were nice
watched akira what a good movie...

quotes of the week

"do you hear the water, water's nice"
"i'm not a god just a man"
"by agreeing to do this your accepting insanity ..."
"i had a demon bat friend but he was a good demon"
both laughing and crying while writhing in pain " everyone should experience this"
"i bet thats what it's like to turn into a hermit crab" "i mean it would prolly hurt alot"
most serious tone possible in a whisper" take the flashlight just take it"
"adam you look like an evil monkey"
"who thought it was a good idea to give me a taser"
"why didn't anyone try and stop me"
"so you pretty much just went on a long fucking walk"
"woah that wasn't so bad tase me again" "do you smell something burning?"
"lets see how far we can take our minds"

what?

2005-11-01T01:28:00.000-05:00

another day another blog post

Quotes of the week:
so glad we paid for the spot lights and that hummer limo..

hey you wanna play?(h), what are you guys doing?(j), ohh you'll see(h)

hey you think this is gunna pierce the wolf?

hey chris lemme shoot these arrows at you ... then pull them out

darkness you evil motherfucker, he's delerious, he's got delusions of grandure , fuck your couch darkness fuck your couch.

i think i should do a move(J) do a belly flop(a)... i think i'mma do a cannon ball(J)

man that name seems so easy(CS), you'd be surprised how many people mess that up(h)

(campus safety on the radio) hey do you think you can spell that out.

yea the "n" is silent(j)

man did you see those jackasses drop kicking people
yup those are my friends

drop kicks, it's all in the form

the (h) is hungry is hungry again
who refers to themselves in the third person

walk

2005-10-18T00:42:00.000-04:00

the light of day is fading away leading into the darkness. the lights of the building of pondside II shine brightly in the cold night air. a puff of smoke floats up to eye level. i'm not sure if it's really this cold or it's the cigarette that lies between my lips. i take a drag still moving forward along the path home. singing quietly to myself i think why does my inspiration hit me only on this lonely walk back. the song that imhabits my brain being of my own creation. i enjoy it and quickly forget as i move onto another verse. campus safety crawls by in the impala. i look back and forth suspiciously. will they stop. i take a drag, look at the ground, and stare again. i guess i'm not sketchy enought to be stopped...thats good. the gym parking lot another cold and lonely place. columns of steam rising into the night sky. i realize that i am the only one here. the lights of keene, the cold pavement, and me. this place is a ghost town at night. they do everything but roll up the sidewalks it seems. i laught to myself. i feel safer walking through the ghetto of my home town than in this small new hampshire city. i kinda wish i knew why. carle approaches almost home, the stoop, where i spent most of my time last semester, a distant memory of times long past. i grasp my keys and head for the door. i push the key into the lock and open it quickly to get out of the cold. walk to my room.. the door is locked for some reason unknown to me for the sounds of a small party are inside. i turn the key and enter..

Puddle Jumping

2005-10-09T00:49:00.000-04:00

so yes it is saturday and saturday was a very slow, on going, but nonetheless interesting day. The highlght of which includes a walk to the hallmark store downtown. my whole reason for going down there was erika cause yea she wanted to go there and i really had nothing better to do than go for a walk in the rain.(yes i know it's sad i really didn't) so yes after getting there and being completely soaked from head to toes she go what we came there for ( i know uneventful thus far ) as we were making our way back a very large puddle stood in our way. she jumps and yes i am now even wetter than i was before.. if that were possible. so we go bakc and forth completely soaked jumping from puddle to puddle laughing at the dirty ones which would cover us in well dirt and then searching for a clean on to you know clean ourselves off.. yea it was very much fun, granted my clothes might not be to happy about it , it was def worth the walk, the wetness, and the cold.

as i walked back into my room soaked, water dripping from just about everywhere

hutches comment_ like i said why the fuck would you go out there

the rest of the day consisted of a nice hot shower, dominos... lots of dominos, and of course video games

2005-10-03T21:54:00.000-04:00

i don't wanna comeback down from this cloud

weekend= alright
good friends videotape
umm campus safety stopping us after a cop drives by and says nothing

a mess of filtered cigarettes, cheap alcohol and, dark sunglasses
too bad i'm a big drinker but i do enjoy filming the results
the postal service playing in the background
Quotes :
i'm not even drunk, it just seemed like a good idea at the time

give me a simile, bitch

jerry, you rock my world

i didn't expect to be hugged by three naked guys, but hey i'm not complaining

yea thats all you guys need for now.. i rather like them out of context leaves more to the imagination

20 ft away from the building
have you ever been in a mood where you just want to rip the head off anyone who would
disturb your world at that moment in time well yea
an Ra made that mistake and i just wanted to destroy him where he stood
then he asks if we have a problem , i bite my tongue...
i wish i just went off on him

... not happy ...

.. but still i am glad someone is back

quotes from random ppl this weekend

2005-09-27T00:40:00.000-04:00

there is prolly a pretty good chance i was screaming at the top of my lungs

it was like watching a car accident unfold before my eyes

i'm going to make this guy my bitch for the rest of the trip

hey man i'm good at shitting

hey hun if you touch my car i'll kill you... alright well goodnight love you

i don't wanna talk about it

so yea i was laying on top of this naked girl and...

i brought this so we could write in it after it happened then i forgot

it's messed up that that thought would even enter my brain

i'm not going outside , never!!

dude, and it could be like a montage

Cruel

2005-09-23T00:41:00.000-04:00

i was told it is cruel to not to actually tell you why my weekend was so bad but if you really want to know well this is it. on friday i ventured home, withing five seconds of being home i had to fix my car up it lacked fluids and such, get it on the road and drive my stressed mother to waterbury where she works( which is 45 minutes away at normal travel speeds) in a half hour.. so i am gunning it down back roads with no fear of getting arrested. the traffic is horrible and i honestly have to drive like an asshole to get where i need to be. My mother who was just out of surgery next to me freaking out .. and my gas gauge has hit zero. i need to be at waterbury hospital before 4 i pull into the parking lot at 3:58 and literally skid up to the door then pray i have the gasoline to make it to the next station. we are too late and about four feet from the gas station my engine goes dead and i coast very slowly into the station and push my car up to the pump..
and yea thats just friday
saturday after a night of no sleep and very uniteresting things to do. i must be awake at 6:30 well that was easy it was the driving to NB for my brother to take his driver's license test.. my car doesn't pass so he can't use that and that being the only car he has ever driven.
my aunt comes through and comes up with a car that can pass my brother gets his license and thus ends what freedom i ever had in my house.. no car.. i can no longer escape and i was slowly driven to the point where i was flipping out about anything and everything .. yes i was having a serious mental breakdown.. everything has some meaning that sets my soul on fire and i must express some form of aggression. so yea this is the point where ever member of my family thinks i'm suicidal and feels the constant need to reach out to me and convince me not to do it.. yea that would be great cept i'm not suicidal, it drives me more insane all i want to be is left alone thats all i ever wanted to be left alone in a ball on my bed thinking for the rest of my life but no someone has to say something reach out do something sure you care and yes i understand caring and helping someone but it's not gunna help and i would rather just be left alone to my own devices, ever fear i had came out, ever bad memory, moment, it was everything you could possible see as evil or bad in my life coming out and kicking my ass to the point where all i want to do is scream. Sunday i get a phone call.. the second i hit the only place that feels like home.. i turn the phone off and throw it against the wall .. the word home flashes on the small black and blue screen.. as it smashes against the wall.. the voicemail comes through after i put whats left of the phone back togather... boo.. try hard in school we don't want you to fail out cause it seems like you need help.. (enter where everyone reading this thinks for a second this kid does need help)

sumed up , i lost my mind, freedom, and confidence all in a matter of two days .. yea thanks

hey yea five minutes to write this

2005-09-20T11:52:00.000-04:00

well it's like five minutes before class and yea here i go writing this cause i totally forgot to so yea my weekend sucked so much, don't really have time to go into details it just sucked.. i should really try and win this blog thing one day .. i bet i could ... hmmm... what do you guys wanna hear about i'll write a story for next week something interesting i dunno but yea lemme know hmm.. i still have three minutes..
no wait two...
ok i'm done now ..

TNBT

Proposal proposal proposal

2005-09-13T13:11:00.000-04:00

well then i find it difficult to write in a blog without being casual and relaxed with grammar and such so yes this is my proposal

i would like to write about the recording industry focusing mainly on what it takes to be a song writer, how to get a song out and recorded, and further more how to turn it into a hit. although there is probably no formula for such a thing i really want to get deep into how to get a song written and how to propose it to and artists and follow the song from a songwriters head into an artists throat and onto this nice little cd right there ( 0 ) yea thats a cd. .. i want to research who you have to know in the buisness to get anything done and if it is really possible for someone with humble beginings to get a foot in the door and make something.i'd also like to look into the concept of selling out and how what starts off as music expression can change into music exploitation ... i need to do some research and see if this is even a viable topic because it is very likely the research is not there and it's very possible that this could just be a weak topic but it's something i'm interested and want to learn more about and yea isn't that the whole reason i'm here... besides the parties and good times that is ... yea ... see i can't write something without feeling like i'm performing for an audience out there like this is an assignment and yet i still feel compelled to try and give the audience something... i even try some comic relief.. if it's that bad i really don't need to hear about it.. i know it is.. i wrote it ... but yea after 15 minutes of brainstorming thats kinda all i have. i think maybe it was just a brain shower.. i dunno it seemed kinda weak to me ... ok i'm done now

cough

2005-09-13T11:07:00.000-04:00

i feel like a demon has taken control of my body and has been tinking with it in different ways just to spite me. in other words i'm sick. and after a weekend of late and wild nights it's understandable that i will prolly be outta the game for a while. i don't have a clue whats going on inside of me right now, but i don't like doctors, too quick to meds they turn instead of assessing a situation and giving a proper diagnosis. i swear sometimes all they do is guess and check.. personally i don't wanna be on any meds. i mean i have a friend who has been to the er like umm 5 times in the last couple days, all they did was drug her send her home and not solve the problem which is why she went back... 4 more times... yea... i hate doctors

2005-09-06T12:58:00.000-04:00

http://hollywoodlog.typepad.com/nickerblog/2005/09/logjam.html#comments

http://www.denibonet.com/blog/

http://algernon.blogs.friendster.com/notes_from_a_burning_hous/

Link One: I find this blog interesting especially the last entry because i can very cl;osely relate to the feeling this person is having it's like feeling like your ment for something better but never allowing yourself to really see what that better is.

Link Two: it was light hearted about a weekend in the city and the pictures were cool and the comments gave it an air of comic relief

Link Three: A chess match. i find this sort of king vs noble(if thats the right word) Interesting they battle on in a game which is already over it has been and one cannot accept the inevitable yea.. i liked it

college

2005-09-06T12:18:00.000-04:00

My weekend at a glance, i caught a bus at the station in keene headed for springfield, It's move in day for freshman at springfield college and my lil brother happens to be one. i arrive at the station ready for the fun of haulin a fridge up four floors and down the hall. a sliver saturn pulls up i cram myself into a small suv packed to the breaking point, i feared the doors would fall off we unloaded on campus and settled my brother in. then took the long trip back to the den. once back in the dirty den i proceeded to get my weekend into gear it was friday night in meriden.. how boring.
i picked up sean Z and we went on a ride saw a movie kinda eventful kinda not. then yea the rest of the weekend is just a blurr to much happened and i'm too tired to jot it all right now so yea until next time.

What would i write if i could write to real people

2005-09-01T12:43:00.000-04:00

well if i wasn't writing to real people who would i be writing to?
i think writing a story would be perfect for me something like an ongoing book. once i'm done with the first move on to another character another story. and if nothing else a journal retelling the wonderful events and depictions of college life should have someone interested.. maybe

Post one

2005-09-01T12:34:00.000-04:00

This is just aiding an addiction to online journals, well hey at least it's something i enjoy doing and i even get credit for it.. i think i should have taken this class sooner.. but yea this is my blog for right now :)